you are reading this

your reading this

what happened on tuesday the 6th of january

change

it is all now

now

cut cut it me uo up

No narrative

Doy Madim this is truth

I LOVE YOU

rizla float away

almost too pissed well will be soon then over sad

no1 

B

NO!

freedom within constraint

form blog bob dododod d3hwjgvvjhjvvbjmbl lmb j 0gkph

So fucking limited by the copmuters rules

so much to get to this state

sex which is love!

always it is desire, desire for change, I have the proof, its hard and naked

To love!

More Port! another cigarette! and sex! which can be love!   the meaningful cum, Doy Madim

hear the voice of the bard! we must have sensing, if you don't have sensing, you don't have a body

regard the beautiful picture of Saddam  below, was he not a product of his environment?

was he not created, and hanged for it

Come on people, what do we need!

I can only be free if everyone is free

we can change what we want, its all negotiable

come come cum cum    cum on!     Cum on me!

I've blown it in to the public space babies, come publicly rape me

we drink to die

where are my feelings, as in where do they come from, where is feeling located?

to be disturbed by the violence of water

there's no to call no to say cal talk about me whatever all, thats just it isn't ian't abandenment io]] of sense in structauls sence and spelling

a girl cried at me tonight, I don't know what to do

a girl cried at me tonight, I don't know what to do

I'm proper hurting hurtling hurling

strip capitalism away from desire, then no drugs will be needed

I tell you what, there are some fit chicks who are barely legal,  its so real its palpable, so beautiful, who is the law protecting I ask, 

just write baby

oh by the way, on sunday next, I blow the doors off into the public space, come on!

come on

launch me into the new year, we are here tomorrow belongs to us

dress pain, thats what they do with bandages so i took them off, i took them off for us chris, so the wounds were sharable, the pain could be naked, naked blood and pain, sharable for those present, to those then present, as we are presnt all present, as we can say I

weird focal lot health frame bot boy

weird the focal lot of health frame bot boy

cuvgiiiiiiiiibcbuvycuby3u3.     TY thats frustration,,,,,      in one arh grip of its ignoring the politics

This is my first sober post, and i am feeling

enough smiling through      enough smiling singing    singing through smiling  standing sit smiling through     through smiling sit happy sad smiling sit portugese urge founder sit smiling  sad   ness    wheeze                                                       hadouken                                               17:19         

         have you felt this moment

are you feeling

                                      am i              i                       am                       we                 standing sit                                          not knowing you sleep in english                     

pause purse                    pur                        cunt                               he said it   it sad he  way   with   

                 tab    tabbing words

I can only write up and down left and write on a computer, can't sprawl, cross out, colour it in

limited expression,,,          explode withing structure,,   urging for more,,,,,,,    this is no longer therapy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,     just change and process this is    is   is not not is is is 

Glorious Smut

saint ly           

lye 

sky fart                into brecches of adam and more than                                               paint

darling        can't oh yoouu allmoost bbbb                     brwak    breal   break     beak sense small tit

could go on for ages,           but want 56 times to cut a fire in half life great gethsemane plaguees and plagued th e only 67 rabbit fuck mead            break a bad bread habit 

geronimo      !

you can try anything you want, I definitely don't mind

you can try anything you want, I'll definitely just sigh

(Dizzie Rascal)

how capitalist action sparks anti capitalist thought then action, this is an action

i sit fat and think

Fuck me i had a revelation before, on stage during the pitch fork scene in beauty and the beast I thought of something really important, but I can't remember what it was, bllocks

pppppphhhhhwwwwweewwww

phwew

im speeding

always always, why? I fucking hate commas, i use them so much, arrrgghh there we go again i'm going to try and use them less

procreant urge

yeah, i was gaonna say, you can treat this whole thing as one piece, with as many entry and exit points as you like

my body knows

its vital that i am confused

its vital that i am confused

I'm so sick of having to explain my self, I don't want to explain, I just want to do

bracknell has made me fat

have you reckoned

yes jeremy yes chris

yes

we are all literally the same person

all the time

I want to howl

I feel like I'm constantly drinking

they just keep chopping away at the weed but never get to the root, and they serve capitalism so well, it has engulfed them and turned them into poster boys for fear

unfortunately spiderman and batman will never change anything, they become an authoritative force and create more fear

I just had a wank and feel so much better

unrestunrestunrestunrestunrestunrestunrest   take this, use it, spit on it pullit bob it shake it stir it

 purely for me, but now people can see it so its fuckedtake me my entrails deliver me

a fucked up headphone in my ear

my memory is hurting me

take me my entrails deliver me

a fucked up headphone in my ear

my memory is hurting me

this positive pain

I hurt so much

stitching my lip with blood

just to rip it open again when I scream

no images!

for any thing important to happen we need to be in the same room

ripped up smokers die younger 

I want stuff, in time to ryme,                     odusususususususjsus

I love you

thats all i have for you is love

i love you

exist

I looked into your eyes and sighed oh that does not insist

I mean Capitalism, you see

If we are capable of a backflip, we are capable of ending capatalism, surely

I'm allowed to be drunk and write you know, I can say what I want here, anything goes, it's whatever all, little beautiful black nigger cunt, hows that, oh forget words, I'm universal, bullshit system cunt

ou grabbed me Do you remember when you to stop me leaving

im tyoinhbto best wiill this sewell, we are ererer future wasted youth oh yes iys happening bliop blip blip edit, how's that for discretionHadouken on my face on to this post

on the contrary it was a tragedy

Pull

this happened by accident

I want to rape my brother, put a cigarette out on your face, joking, I'M NOT VIOLENT, HONEST ....

I can't see for the smoke

he is the king one of us

I'm alive did you know not always waan;t before smoke me see no stopss hah ha ha here we come but before go whqt do you want?

I don't know what to do or what I'm doing

I'm just sad

there's a cigarette hole in the canopy

go spew on me on how please many all can languages go break my line you're line

piss oh piss this is all shit really, I can't tell where Capitalism begins and ends, can anyone stop me soffucating in my own views perception thoughts bullshit hell belief

it sucks doesn't it

help! I mean it regardless of the exclamation chant aman aman please fucking help me climb or fall, I don't care 

cunts  I am a product, system shut meltdown baby read this somewhere and tell them its true that I didn't have a fucking clue cuss

this language won't do

poo on you

and me

sorry

wanna try and stop me?

come on

fucking bac, would you have taken once and for all if it got 1 star! bullshit you cunts, I'll come to your fucking scratch discussion, and die

I do't want saving

save me

kill me

erotic baby act

erotic baby

sweet 7yr old pussy drip   into my mouth then kill

my

self

you bitch

I'll shove this carlsberg export straight up you and it will hurt

me

cross justice bright baby

Crank me up

get the fuck

because who knows what we're doing?

art amplifies like just better

just post

I bleed over everything

you know my wishes are sincere

welcome to my world i am the wasted youth and i am your future too

get smashed

don't let it be over now, i know i'm only dealing in words

want to know

I'm drunk, reckon that

see many posts here baby just another night in nantes               

NOBODY!

this is private for you

boo boo beee do 

it is really such a long time to gqamble

I love you\

I love you

i love you

yes you, honestly do

automatically

this house stinks,

i'm creating so much fucking noise its a joke

fuck me, all of you

on me

sing for me

yeah andrew you did good there we'll see who takes what

i am the hangovernogaps people theres one thatssoinborn nottoleavegapsihavetoconciouslydoitmhselfbutoncei'vestarteddoingititslesshardwhereusthesenseay

bing bong

a                 a                  a                         a            r      r          r            g  g      g    g hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh                uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuppppppppppppppupupupupuppupupupupupupupupupupupuuppu  

binary tab

do me bitch

publish me

I feel it

read this!

scream for me

bear in mind, i'm still writing for you

I wonder what words would be or not created if a I left a big steaming shit on my keyboard b cause this is basically what it is

this reminds me of being fucked

will i get to a point where you've read this all before

the answers at the bottom of the bottle my friend

here we pleae of me all want I no difference cap gap deconstruct me ]verbqgberqgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggijvmnkkmnvkm    ekq fknfq kn  fqm  km f m d kmfkm vm q   

its all over ladies, here we go again

do you ever get bored of this my friends, same old spurn, splurdge urdge different day, is this capitalist?

where did you go

your nan

it would be cleaner to go down on your mum

do you want this pain?

please help me

It's so weird writing when your blog is public and when it is private, so different, well, I think boys and girls, I'm gonna make it private again, erm, for, well, because, it's easier for me, to write privately, because there are certain people who read this and, you see, I'm justifying shit already, but don't worry, come January I'll blow this all into the public sphere

love

I'm public now, it's scarier, but just for an instant, but this is my space, as an artist, which is as a human fucking being, and surely I can say what I want, without fear surely, if death is so close then why should we be scared of anything?

this is me

I think blogs should be the other way round, oldest at the top, well for me, because each one sparks the other

Yeh Luminescent Orchestri will, and they say fine,       Celebrate

I'm such a dick, I just realised what I said, and I said it after like, maybe 3/4 gins, but hang on, I don't think thats escaping, just amplifying, will that do? someone tell me

I refuse to escape

I'm going to bed because I can't take any more of this shit

and if it hurts me to drink

at least its here with you

Come on!!!!    keep me pleaes, in this state which I'm rapidly losing

its the port of amsterdam

and Tom, why is your blog now un available, tell me here, it pains me

there is no need to imagine when you can see

  ccling with me, please, cling with me

allllll              every space an expression to cling, just cl9ng with me!!!!!!!

tabla me

once again its     all    here   

yes yes yes yes yes yes ye sy eyw dsye sye ys eys eys syesye sye syes yes yes ye se y

pause be back

              Fuck you all babies in the nicest possible way

i need a piss

            comre on lets destroy creativity and create destruction

                  Lose it with me, I'm our personal Jesus

  I dribble gin down my chin and don't want to give a fuck

    this all notes process babies love here we, all, me, come on, lots go all in one I can't type fast enough1!!!!!

    refresh me

give me more gin cunt

and all your other languages

because i love them

here i am

and i'm not you

not for 3 miles a nile

always a word to follow a note, shut me up, chut me the fuck yip

Fuck     rape    me

ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

yes

              don't leave me

                           him    

 the room

yes sorry

P r P A R E

scream

srceam

                     HOLD ME!!!!!

     this these won't do                            cry yourself to sleep because of me

and  /  which is you

i need you to feel me

                                      feel me, please

this matters more than anything i have done

              I SEE IT ALL

                          and nothing                   mylove 

here we go, vangelis is playing, im drunk how can icommunicate this feeling in words?

well lets not communicate

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shoosh

so i'm just wandering whether theatre should produce or create an instant state of Nostalgia, like, I'm thinking about 'Traces'  and 'Once and for all....' and kind of thinking about the sense of like loss and nostalgia, thinking like, I'm not with them, there is a gap between us, but its beautiful, kind of seeing your life as meaningless because you've just seen everything you saw at that point or wanted to see or needed to see, wow, O.k so I think this might actually be the start of a blogpost, like its been a while and i must apoligise to Tom for getting his name wrong in the previous post I was quite drunk, and like poetic and that, and so, I've just completed the first week of Rehearsals for Beauty and the Beast at South Hill Park, very interesting kind of Politically for me, especially coming straight from heymathew, I was telling Tom tonight that it is like changing frequency's, like, because, I'm changing place, London to Bracknell, I'm changing mode of Performance, or type of Performance, and i'm changing people, so I kind of have to Tune in to this new frequency.

Funny, I was speaking to some people the other day who compared to writing blog posts to publishing things, so one needed to censor things, because your publishing things publicly, and how, as we are all working with young people in B and B, like what you put on your blog could affect your professional working life, which I think is a real shame that people think it has to be like that and that everyone one is out to get you, so I'm gonna try something

Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt

O.k so, hey I was just looking at that line and for a few moments all the words seemed different, but anyway, I suppose I'm trying to argue for an Anti-Capitalist space in that line, like, If I called that line poetry or art or performance, then it would be o.k, because I call it art, but what If I don't call it any of those things, just leave it there, to, and how about this one,

 nigger

Its so fucking scary writing that word, just to see it there, and to think its just comprised from letters of the alphabet, whoa its mental, and I want to make it clear that I'm not publishing any of this, I'm just laying it down and sharing it with some friends, because I don't think the normal rules should apply here, like theatre, this is a different place, its o.k here, this is an interim step into getting rid of fear, like fear that people will get ya if you say stuff, Its o.k here, we can say whatever the hell we like, the scarier the better, 

can i write for 15 minutes without stop just keep on writing with no punctuatioon i'm listening to liza gerrard its not quite there me that is is she is, oh there was an involuntury piece of punctuation jacks gone jacks out i have the keys 13 more minutes and who the fuck is gonna read this any way, can you not here the music, i got sick of the spaces so want to create put words in soace check out Tom weber,   to       http://tomasjohnweber.bogspot.com am i here can you see hear keep up for 11 minutes    m9m  does this matter in disgusting remnant cigarette smoke a 

I got distracted by some 

             Why          this              space     

  

Just have to create some space, so that you can consider the next thing around space

Consider this

Listen to Nantes by Beirut

Jonny wants to publicly declare that Hannah Le Cheminant is one of the most beautiful people he's ever known

why fucking titles?

Jonny has almost eaten a 12" circumference pizza, and doesn't quite know how he feels about that

hmmmmm

I'm just watching some AFI on youtube and wondering if the lead singer eats oranges

are we now lost/ for words

                          

                                                                 Place

Where is this space?

and this is theatre this is he

of all

of course

off course

this word does not look right to Tom

cr

the man was touching himself in the bathroom of the youth hostel whilst looking out of the window at the woman standing outside of the royal institute of dentistry, waiting for something, waiting for somebody to touch her.

Jonny feels so excited that Tom is excited and now this is a dialogue formed out of words which don't/ that don't care about meaning for him

and the music is good as is smoke

and                here              we              go!

i have many layers

i am beneath the floorboards

tomas weber has written this after a life-changing conversation/ecstatic confession.

he feels excited.

now

have you ever cried so much wine it made it possible to ....

this beat

and return

yours

mow mow

how long does it take to be a disguise

oh yes baby

yes purely drunk as the cigarette pressed into the ashtray is

reproach of love

I want to tell you Simon Kane that your 'chinese-whispers connotations' are yours, through a signal to noise, in disproving it you prove it, now can you see it

oh

On Poetry she can be a man

Junky Fight

Lets have a Junky Fight

Because I'm so fucking glad with all my sinews that its here

oh yes

come on

here

read october in its entirety

Please   (struggle)     Just

.......................

who needs dots

cigarettes

How many cigarettes can I smoke in a night

I'll tell you

There was never any more

have you the pain of reckoning a thousand  languages

and the pain of reckoning a thousand acres of silence

reminder

and I'm reminded of Daniel Waples, beautiful anti-capitalist sumptuous work, then sheri dancing under a lamp post and yes we are living in poetic time 

listen, have you heard this bang before

JACOB'S CREEK

This Greasy Smoke

Divinity, it's there

yes

feel this slip away

how

My brain will bust out of its skull because it can/will

yup

     

only through the erotic can we 

capitalism no.1

Just a quick thought on capitalism, these posts on the system will be quick and fleeting, as its such a colossal subject I can only deal with one aspect of it at a time, I was just likening drug addiction as a microcosm for capitalism.

So it starts by putting something in you, using cocaine as an example, it basically generates a need, or what the body mistakes as a need. Oh this is going to ramble, perfect, ok so starting again. I was thinking about children's T.V, in this case 'Power rangers', which was such an obsession for me, as it was for many of my friends, and how that program is all centered on violence, fighting, power... so as soon as I started liking it I wanted to watch more, and buy the figures, buy the books; it's making money out of children's and kids desires, which it put there in the first place.

I was basically thinking about If I had a kid, how I would want to bring him/her up, and the balance between introducing your child to information and letting them find it themselves, which they inevitably will, and wanting them to have choice... but they can only choose between the things presented to them, and if Capitalism is doing that presenting, then where is the choice?

It goes back to the whole 'mankind is born free, yet everywhere he is in chains'  

being born into a system means you are born into a world which chooses the choices you are presented with, I mean how crazy and violent is it to expect a human being to start making choices about what they want to do with the rest of their life at the age of 13 (choosing between studying geography and Italian)

who made the choice in that system that the two things are binary?

The really horrible thing then, which I'm trying to get at, is that Capitalism sends out the message that 'we all have a choice' but it's giving us the things to choose between, it's putting the information in us which makes that choice... 

and while I'm on the subject of Capitalism, I feel its important to make clear, that Capitalism is people, its not some fortress we can storm, it's a way of thinking which is put into us from an early age, the concept of winning and losing for example, playing football from 5 years old which is telling you to WIN, and those who win are rewarded, be the best etc as if just being wasn't complicated and wonderful enough...

no I'm not going to stop here, I'm going to talk about PROFESSIONALISM, and that is another iconic example of what capitalism puts into you, how one must be professional, and forsake one's own imperfections and emit a perfect, infallible persona, which is working purely to keep the cogs of Capitalism turning.

So that you can't cry in board meetings, or fart, or scream, or shit, or stab yourself in the hand with your fountain pen, because that deems you unprofessional, or mad, and denies you the right to have a purely genuine, beautiful outburst of human emotion, so I'm saying that Capitalism quashes humanity, to keep people working in a crazy system which is now completely out of hand, its producing more than it can cope with, so it has to create more demand, so advertising gets even more agressive, subvertive, and the most infuriatingly suicidal thing about the system is that

every one is doing the best they can, with the information they've got

 including me, so where are we getting our information?

So I want to make it clear, and this is the horrible beauty of Capitalism, that no one can be blamed, the system is self perpetuating, fuck knows how it got like this, because everyone is doing their best, even those who drop out of the system, one must ask, well why did they drop out?  Where is their information coming from?

O.K so know I'll talk about why I believe that theatre, art, poetry, music, anything which at essence has no economic function or use, is for me, the only way of change, because as soon as something becomes product, which is sellable, we have problems, which is why funding for the arts is so fucking important, because your producing things which won't sell, or you should be, for me its all about questions, lets just ask each other questions, and read, and have a conversation, lets bounce stuff around, and see where we go, which is what I'm asking in this blog.

and I'm listening to Jacques Brel who's great and I like Walt Whitman and I love my friends Tom and Chris, because not only are they my great friends they are so fucking important to us all because what they are doing, and we may not see it in our lifetimes, but they are changing Capitalism, for sure... through layering, multiple points of entry and exit, shotgun

through language and the spaces between the new form out of language take away the conjuctives make new bold to smithereens beautiful ugliness grass green glass for sure here no yellow blue can't will bur have you alays...

lots of love folks 

the first one

O.k so I've just decided to actually write my first post, this is coming from a long chain reaction of thoughts, starting with deciding to create a blog seeing as so many thoughts were crystallizing and then dissapating tonight, and it was really exciting, then I got quite more drunk and couldn't be bothered to do it, and now I am, because I just had the revelation of wanting it to actually be quite dissapointing, like, mediocre or bad writing, just to take the pressure off the notion of blog posts being product, and to make sure mine are process, like, I think this is quite badly written, which is O,K, its fine, it doesn't have to be well written, it can be whatever I want it to be, and right now, this is it, actually its not, I want it to be well written, but where does that want come from? 

what is good writing as opposed to bad

I'm gonna leave it

spellling mistakes and all

laters, and just so you know

I love you